BlackNotBlack.com

The Worst Album Covers Ever

Not long ago Ari sent me a link to a site that purported to list the most awful album covers of all time. I deejayed in college and later reviewed CDs for a magazine, and saw some horrifically bad covers, so I got curious whether I could find any of them out there in cyberspace. When I searched, I found that there were hundreds of sites devoted to the subject of bad album covers. In light of such overwhelming interest, I culled some of my favorites and today present for your enjoyment a collection of the worst album covers ever—with the usual BlackNotBlack twist. We start off with some plantation variety racial stereotyping:


It's hilarious that this is on the Columbia Masterworks label. Looks like master is in a spot of trouble.



Tragically, old Bones never made a follow-up record—the black face and white lips disguise was too effective, and he was beaten to death by a mob of redneck cops who thought he was smuggling powdered donuts.




Regarding the two covers above, yes, that's Maya Angelou at top doing a little hotfoot calypso there by the fire. On the Safari with Sabu cover note that the loincloth-clad tribesman is playing a three-thousand dollar kettle drum. They borrowed it from their friends over at the Philharmonic because the Darky Accessory Outlet was fresh out of bongos.





Jimmy Jenson gazes upon the idyllic scene before him, while holding a hatchet and a brown bag that could, were he inclined, transport the head he's planning to chop off.




How to overcome discouragement? Step 1—don't look at the album cover.






There's quite a bit going in both of the above tours de force. First, regarding the Richard and Willie cover, I think the accepted spelling of "honky" is the one I just used, without an "e". Also, the woman administering the smoker is holding an American flag, which is a profound statement of some sort—I'm just not sure what. Lastly, the expression of anticipation on funky honkey's face suggests to me that once he goes black, he's never going back. Masterpiece two, by the immortal Tony Tee, is a perfect example of how our visual cues change over time. When the album was released the cover was probably considered a scene of devastating masculinity, a moment of such incandescent male power that it turned women to putty and made lesser men green with envy. Now it just looks gay.





In case you can't believe your eyes, this is indeed an album of demons speaking through people (very much like my god and mentor Lord Pig sometimes speaks through me). There are subliminal messages on this record. Play it backwards and you can understand them—they call you a sucker for buying it. The kid on the cover is clearly possessed by the ancient demon Pickaninny.





Hmm, what do you suppose Francisco y Fernando are going to do when they get to the beach?





You gotta love a man in a uniform—even if it's a boy scout uniform.






Run run, is more like it.





Pretty much in the same vein as the previous few.






For those who thought Willie Nelson was once young and handsome, here's the proof his face always looked like a burlap sack. Also, the unfortunate album title sounds like what you do just before you start drinkin your own sperm.





Sensuous, indeed. But neither of them would allow you to touch their hair. Also, notice that the position at 9 o'clock on the sex wheel actually came from a Heimlich pamphlet.






Just for counterpoint, we have John and Yoko, who would have allowed you touch their hair, forcing you to leap headfirst out the window instead.



Seriously though, we love John Lennon. Last but by no means least, we have a couple of favorites at left—Joyce (a Brazilian bossa singer, some of whose music I own) and the German singer Heino. All I can say is glasses are, will always be, and always have been, sexy. For some reason Heino, whose name really should be Gecko, makes me think of Frau Frabissina. I am deeply afraid of this woman.

Seriously though, we love Heino. BlackNotBlack does not endorse any of the views expressed by the album covers, and disavows any blah blah blah. For more terrible album art, try the links below:

rateyourmusic.com, octanecreative.com, coverbrowser.com

posted by Egan Ehlers @ 3:26 PM