Señor Misterioso: Travelling Companions, Part 2
Speaking of good luck charms and trusted companions, an even more intimate friend and indispensable component of my travels has been the enigmatic jet-setter known only as Sr. Misterioso. Described by some as an amalgam of Ricardo Montalbán and James Bond, he is in reality more Houdini than he is 007, more Cary Grant than he is Mr. Rourke. But whatever Sr. Misterioso is, and however people choose to see him, he is doubtless one of the most fascinating personages of our time.While certainly no recluse, Sr. Misterioso is something of a cipher who has spoken of himself on precious few occasions. To do so would be boring—pure anathema to a creature so circumspect and mannered (this did not, of course, prevent an unauthorized Greydon Carter profile from appearing in Vanity Fair in 1998). Because of Misterioso's cloak of silence, nobody knows for sure if his origins are cosmic or supernatural, but he first took earthly form in Rosarito, Mexico—that much is known. Which year this occurred is anyone’s guess. But it was in 2002 that Hollywood stuntman Daniel Forcey, while working on a film called Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World, encountered Misterioso in a curio shop.
Forcey related the tale: "I was buying cigarettes or mezcal, I can't remember which, when I looked down at the counter beneath the cash register where, hidden amongst the super balls, zoom flyers and clown wigs, sat nestled a plain black and neon green package. At the top of this package were five words: "Senor Misterioso! He's so mysterious!" I knew right then and there I had to have him."
Since that meeting, Misterioso has accompanied both Forcey and I on our travels to Mexico, Guatemala, and Iceland (he has been known to join others, but only those capable of providing the thrills and danger to which he is accustomed). Misterioso appears and vanishes according to whim, always garbed in his custom-designed atomic suit, which some say was crafted by
Karl Lagerfeld, but which unnamed U.S. government sources say was actually created during a nuclear fission experiment inside an Area 51 atom smasher. Whatever the suit's provenance, it is legendary in fashion circles. Hanae Mori once shed tears of rapture at the sight of it. Jean-Louis Scherrer was critically ill for a year after a misguided attempt to incorporate radium into his own designs.Like all celebrities, Misterioso has web cults devoted to him. One site states that he arose from obscure films, such as the 1966 Italian-produced Misterioso Señor Van Eyck, and the 1943 Mexican obscurity Misterioso Señor Marquina. Both attributions are false. There is a MySpace page, of which Misterioso disavows any knowledge, though there are whispers he mave have had the page constructed to disseminate disinformation. It seems likely, considering the obvious errors in its content. For example, the page claims he is a secret agent here to save the world. This has been floated more than once as a reason for Misterioso's movements on Earth, but nobody knows for sure why he is here—he isn't saying. Also, to be an agent one would have to have masters—unlikely. Another error—the page claims Misterioso is hoping to meet Mrs. Misterioso. This hardly seems plausible, considering he is an avowed bachelor who has romanced Alessandra Ambrosio, Anne Heywood, Isabelle Adjani, Lisa Bonet, Devon Aoki, Princess Leia, Bjork (once during her Sugarcubes days, and a second time as a solo artist), and other women comprising a fruit cocktail of modern beauty.
One website asks: “Is Sr. Misterioso an extremely dangerous man or just a harmless socialite in a glowing suit? His motives are unclear, but there is documentation of meetings with extraterrestrials, Howard Hughes, George Steinbrenner, J.D. Salinger, Chuck Norris, David P. Reinhardt, and Pee Wee Herman.” While Misterioso is a very dangerous man—when he speaks his mere words can sting like a whip and his gaze can flashfreeze watercress—his associations have never been as backalley as Pee Wee Herman. He has also asserted that he never crossed paths with Chuck Norris. He has stated explicitly that, as a man of taste, he doesn’t mix with opportunists, half-wits, or z-grade actors-turned-racist politicos, and would only meet with the likes of Chuck Norris to disintegrate him. As an entity with a Latin essence, it’s the least he could do. As for the Howard Hughes connection, that one is factual, but was a brief meeting in Macao in 1952—before Hughes lost his marbles—at which Misterioso introduced Hughes to aspiring movie starlet Maria Sen Wong. On the subject of extraterrestrials he is tantalizingly mum.
Misterioso is famously camera-shy due to several run-ins with overzealous paparazzi (who he was later forced to destroy), and from a need to protect the identities of some of the women with whom he trysts, who are often royalty. But when relaxed and enjoying himself among friends Misterioso is both talkative and willing to permit a snapshot or two. In the photo at the top of this post we see him reposing in one of his favorite towns, Ensenada. In the next shot he demonstrates the power of the force to attract smoldering space princesses. You may notice that Misterioso is out of focus. This is either due to radioactivity from the suit affecting the camera chip, or an autofocus problem caused by Misterioso's simultaneous presence in several dimensions at once. Indeed, by Misterioso's own declaration, any in-focus photo of him is a fake.
One last rumor should be cleared up—that the elimination of Sr. Misterioso and his atomic suit are of paramount importance to certain dark agencies. This is fact—one of his several earthly domiciles, an unassuming yet elegant mid-century modern south of Los Angeles, was recently consumed in a suspicious fire while he was inside. Nobody has seen Misterioso since, not
in his villa in Capri, nor his hacienda in Ixtapa, nor even his palapa in Canggu. But most have faith that he used his vanishing trick to escape the conflagration, and is even now hunting the suicidal fools responsible in order to blast them into slag. But this is mere speculation. In the end it’s impossible to know Misterioso’s plans or whereabouts—he’s just too mysterious.Labels: alessandra ambrosio, mexico, princess leia, señor misterioso
posted by Egan Ehlers @ 12:35 PM
32 comments
